Dec 28th

It's the week in between Christmas and New Year's. I'm taking in all of the festivities from the comfort of my home. I completed Christmas dinner with minimal amount of effort. I baked two dishes, crescent rolls (because Christmas just isn't Christmas without them) and Fran's carrot casserole. The rest of the food came from Honey Baked Ham.

I enjoy opening gifts as much as the next person however I found this year held special meaning for me. I am alive. I understand that I am in fact not immortal. I think I'm starting to understand what it means to enjoy each day as a gift.

Physically I'm doing well. My good days out weigh the bad. My physical therapy has ended and my membership to the YMCA has started. At my next appointment I'll be letting my doctor know that I'm starting to confuse my words a little. It only happens when I'm tired. It's nothing big I just want to make sure it is not a problem.

January looks like it will be a full month. My 3rd follow-up MRI will happen. I will get my hair cut. I will work out at the YMCA and I will increase my interaction with people. 2009 will be a better year than 2008.

Dec 15th

My chemo is over for this month. WooWhoo!! One side effect that lasts a couple days is itchy skin. I could scratch my skin raw. Every piece of fabric that touches my skin irritates it. Wearing no clothing is not an option as it is freaking frigid outside. For now I will dutifully apply my massage oils and lotions, multiple times a day.

I still want to hibernate. I still have a to-do list a mile long. I am still looking forward to all of the positive things to come.

Dec 14

I woke up at 8 this morning made breakfast and then fell back to sleep. I didn't wake up until noon. I'm not sure what to think about this as I'm still tired. I really hope I don't nap anymore today.

I'm not handling this round of chemo as well as the last. This morning I woke up with what felt like a mini hang over. Headache, stomach ache, exhaustion. After I take the chemo, which is before bedtime I usually fall right to sleep. This round I've been feeling the poking tinglies. The annoying tingly's are inside my mouth, my face, neck, arms, legs, and feet. It isn't the kind of tingle you can rub out and feel better. This kind is from the inside and needs to run its course. T.v. will sometimes keep me distracted. After an hour or so the pain goes away and I will roll over to sleep. Homer's Voice "Mmm sleep." All I can think about right now is that I need to take another nap so that I can get after my chores. I have PT again today so chores may have to wait until the weekend.

Dec 9

The last few days have been busy. For me busy equals naps times sore muscles times a "to-do" list divided by a time change. Over the weekend we flew to CA. to visit Derek's family. Airplane travel when your healthy is exhausting. I want to say something clever about traveling when your not feeling 100%. Since my thoughts are coming out snarky insert your own funny quip. I carried the Christmas gifts bag since it was lighter. As a suggestion I reccomend that you not carry soap or beef sticks in wrapped packages. TSA has to open them to make sure it's soap and a beef stick. Right on! Presents that need to be re-wrapped.

If you were to ask me how I was doing today I would tell you I'm exhausted. I didn't want to get out of bed for a second day in a row. It could be the weather or it could be that I'm not fully rested. I visited my neuro oncologist and we had a standard visit. "Touch your nose. Say the months of the year backwards. Walk on your tip toes" I managed to not do so well on my blood draw. I accidentally pull the needle out and got blood all over the place. And! lucky for me she needed to poke me a third time to collect what was needed for the labs. I expect I'll have 2 weeks of bruises to hide.

I really didn't think that I would still be trying to recover from "Fred". It's been 9 months. I'm trying to figure out, How long I will be like this? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be improving more quickly? Should I be doing something different? How much is this going to cost?

My silver lining is that I know I'm stronger physically. I am able to enjoy funny stories, music, and the weather. I know I have family that loves me.

Nov 30

It's the last day of November and all I can think about is what I need to get done. I have a list of to-do's long enough that it will take me 3 days to complete. If only I had more time and energy.

My thanksgiving was wonderful. I enjoyed the company of friends up in Silverthorne. A couple hours of conversation wore me out and I had to take a nap before dinner. Right now all I can think about is apple pie. It was so yummy!

I will go in for my blood draw this week. Next week I have my monthly follow up visit with my doctor. I'm only expecting to hear good news. My headaches are happening less frequently and my appetite is back to its pre-tumor days. I am thankful.

Nov 25th

I'm having dreams about walking around in public with no camouflage. They started last weekend when I realized that my hair was growing back. I suppose the positive is that I feel like I know what I'll do with it when it becomes a bit more filled in and longer. I can almost cover all of the blank spots. Imagine a really bad comb over and that is the stage I'm at.

I do feel like my body is getting stronger. I can never tell if I'm really improving or if it's a false reading. I still get headaches and get tired if I read for very long.

Physical therapy is getting tough. They've added the military press with 2 pound dumb bells, sit-ups, and additional time on the bicycles. I'm pathetic. My arms and shoulders shake and burn. The same sort of thing happens when I complete my sit-ups. It would be comical if I weren't so sore.

I do have goals for the future. I would like to jog the Boulder Bolder next year and then maybe attempt a short triathlon. I've got my eye on the prize. This Thanksgiving I'll toast to Not giving up hope, Really understanding how much I am loved, and Knowing who my true friend are. This is a beautiful life.

I'm tired. I started what I believe is my 6th round of chemo on Friday night. Two more nights to go and I'll be at my halfway mark. For those just joining I take chemo in pill form. I take it 5 days each month for 1 year. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach or gives me insomnia or saps my energy.

I did think this round would be easier with the exercise I've completed. I'm not sure if it's the pt or the chemo making me tired. Likely it is a little bit of both. I spent Sat asleep on the couch and fell asleep that night with no problems. Sunday was sort of the same.

I wonder how people work with this going on. How do they do it?

Nov 11

Naps and headaches is the theme for my day. I was surprised this morning when I tilted my head and felt a stabbing headache in the area where "Fred" used to be. This isn't normal for me. My headaches had almost disappeared. Not to worry, I'll ask my neuro oncologist about it on Thursday. Tylenol usually does the trick. My pt appointment was shorter than normal. We didn't do as many exercises. Although I did find out that Emily's in-laws are big Luther alumni. Go Norsk! Afterwards I was ready for a nap. I slept for 3 hours, it was bliss.

Nov 10

Having a haircut is a big deal for me. My first was a post surgery/pre-radiation cut, and was provided by my friend Jen. She brought someone over to the house as I was to embarrassed to venture outside. It was hard to take my hat off in front of friends. I felt like Frankenstein with 32 staples in my head. What would they think? Would they stare? Be grossed out? Afterwards I felt good about the way I looked and knew that my friends loved and supported me. No one got sick to their stomach.
My second haircut was performed by my sister post radiation. I had lost most of my hair around my face with only a few brave ones hanging on. She was most interested in what was growing back. I was thrilled that she saw hairs growing back.
My third haircut happened today. It was scary. After driving by the local Super Cuts, parking, peeking in the windows, and then driving away four times this month I decided it was time to walk in weather there were people there or not. I asked the receptionist if I could have my hair cut by someone in the back of the salon on the left hand side. This way I would be less visible to the public and the left side of my head has the most hair regrowth. It was so hard to sit down and take my hat off. Then it was hard to explain what I wanted done. Next it was hard to look at myself in the mirror. (I usually have a scarf on at home and do not see what is or is not growing back). I almost cried twice. The stylist tried to make me feel more comfortable by talking to me about the folks she knew with cancer, some of whom had passed away. If you are wondering? This type of conversation about cancer and death is not helpful. It was my first conversation with a complete stranger who was not in the medical field. I'm sure she meant well. People are not mean by nature. When I did look up I saw the other customers and stylists staring at me. I am assuming they did not intend to get caught staring. It must have been their curiosity. Long story short, I survived my first haircut away from home and I did it on my own. One milestone accomplished, more to come.

Nov 6

Yesterday's note was just a tad preachy. I was feeling strongly about health care after seeing how much my bills could have cost.

Onto my health. The time change hasn't been easy on me. That tied with the physical therapy I'm actually sleeping more. I have done my darnedest to stay awake until 10. Sometimes I make it and sometimes I don't. I wake up around 9, which isn't good, and I end up taking naps during the day. I understand I need to find my new normal, but gosh darn this is taking forever! On the positive side Cora (our dog) is having a tough time adjusting. She's ready to eat and let us know it. Those of you who know Cora... well she's always ready to eat.

When I have down time I try to fill it with productive activities. I usually end up wondering what everyone else is doing. I'll check facebook and then give myself a break.

That is about it. Hope you are having a wonderful day.

Nov 5

Do you have health insurance? I do. I've been covered from a very early age. This is due to the fact I seemed to be sick or hospitalized most of the time growing up. It even got to the point when I would start to wonder when I would get sick again. If you are thinking this is a horrible way to think I agree with you. It turned into a self fulfilling prophecy.

Back to the insurance question. Do you have it? Are you covered? I was browsing through some of the bills the doctors and hospitals have sent over to insurance. $99,715.54 was the largest I could find. That was just for the hospital. The doctors and nursing bills were separate. Sahweet! Plan on another out of pocket $645 base charge for a ride in the ambulance. It usually isn't covered by insurance. What I am trying to say is that if you don't have insurance and you are only able to barely make ends meet, please get yourself and your family covered. I'm not fooling around on this one. Give up cable, or movies, or ride your bike more. It's not cheap with insurance, and without it you may be moving back in with your parents. Or worse having to file for bankruptcy.

I do believe there is hope. President elect Obama campaigned for better health care. I hope he can find and act on a new direction for America.

Nov 1

I think I'm catching a cold. I don't know how that could be possible with the flu shot and the anti viral medication I'm taking. I guess anything is possible. I have some sore muscles but I think they are sore due to physical therapy. I never thought 4 lbs could hurt so good. It does. I'm nervous I won't have enough energy for my next pt appointment. I've spent most of the weekend resting. I wish I could fall asleep during the day. If I could I would have more energy. It would be so nice to nap again.

Oct 31

Happy Halloween! I had my PT appointment this morning. I thought the appointment started at 10:30. Whoops! I got there and found out my appointment started at 10:00. Yup a full half hour late. I didn't blame it on Fred. Thankfully Bob (the therapist), let me work with him. It was generous of him. The workout consisted of a 6 min reclined bike ride, squats w/ 2 lbs weights, bicep curls w/ 4 lbs weights, and 2 upper body lifts with bands. This took me 20 mins to complete. It wiped me out. My arm muscles were sore and my legs wanted to give out. If I had to guess I'll be in bed by 8:00 tonight or I'll have fallen asleep on the couch with the animals.

Oct 23

I don't understand the flu shot. I got mine a week ago Friday. I am a big baby. Needles hurt and the darn anti flu virus stung. I bring this up because I had a bad day yesterday. I went to bed the night before at 8:00. Couldn't keep my eyes open. The next morning I didn't wake up until 9:00. I took a shower, brushed my teeth and went back to bed until 1:00. I'm just not sure if this is me having a bad day or if it was the flu shot.

My physical therapy seems to be going well. Every other day I complete a 10 min walk. And two times a week I go in to see the physical therapist. Next week I'll bump my walk time up to 15 mins. My on site PT appointment seemed to go well. Squats make me tired and the band lifts are completed in small quantities with only 2 sets. We all have to start somewhere. I am finding my new normal which is fun. Today I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. I am excited to figure out who I want to be.

Oct 23

Physical therapy yesterday kicked my rear end. What is sad is that all I did was 4 mins of bicycle and 3 sets of 10 squats w/ no weights on a reclined slidey bench. My at home workouts will be walking outside for set amounts of time on set days. I'm going at 2:30 if anyone wants to join.
Derek discovered that when I exhaust myself I get headaches. I'm going through this and didn't pick up on this fact until he said something. I think we all can use a little help from our significant others.

Changing the topic completely. I didn't realize that people weren't on facebook as much as me. I was shocked! to hear that folks don't check their facebook account every day.

Changing the topic again. I am a mean person. I have no filter on my mouth. This isn't due to "Fred". I have always been like this. I humbly apologize to everyone I have offended over the years with my mean comments. If you haven't heard my nastiness then thank heavens.

Oct 22

My goodness I'm tired. I've had a wonderful day so far. I've gotten to eat lunch with friends, which was fabulous. Then I visited with other friends.... which wore me out. I really want to nap but I need to get ready for physical therapy. One of the things I realized during my conversations today is that I have kept a lot of this disease and healing close to me. I didn't share my details with that many people. It was to fresh and to raw emotionally for me to talk about. Those of you who did talk to me probably saw me tear up. Now that I'm moving into this phase of knowing I'm a survivor I still tear up and I'll tell almost anyone almost anything. Now I like to joke about the funny side of it.

The big item I keep talking about is my hair loss. Thank you for being patient and listening to me laugh/rant/lament/bitch about its loss. I am trying to stay positive, it's just hard. I'm a girl and I really liked my hair. As an added bonus some of my hair looks to be gone for good. On the positive side... the hair that is growing, is still growing.

It is a good day and I am grateful to have family and friends that care.

Oct 20th

It is such a Monday. The weather is a bit blah and I'm not feeling as good as I was this weekend. I think its a combination of not drinking enough water and my chemo building up in my system. It isn't all bad. The cat is snuggled up on the bed and purring for no apparent reason and the dog has systematically taken all of our dirty socks out of the laundry and set them free in strategic places around the house. I'm not going to bother to pick them up until bedtime, she'll just set them free again. I wish everyone could see our dog digging her nose around in dirty laundry. She always goes for the most stinky article of clothing. The SOCKS! So that the record is set, after Cora sets Derek's socks free she then works on mine.

Oct 19th

This weekend was great. Only a couple headaches which were easily nipped in the bud. This is the best I've handled the chemo. I feel like I'm ready to get back out into the world again. If I weren't missing hair on part of my head I could pretend that I never had Fred.

Oct 17th

I woke up this morning tired. Not to bad for the first night of chemo. I'm resting as much as I can because I have a baby shower to go to this weekend. And I'm very excited to get out of the house and be around a group of people.

You may not be aware...but I have a hard time keeping track of my medications, as there are many. Did I take my morning meds? Did I forget to take them at night? To try and help myself I started using a pill box. It did the trick. I haven't worried about missing medications. Now.... making sure I have enough of each pill to take would be good. Usually I don't know I'm out until the day before or the day of. This causes problems, Unless you are me and you have a guy. Yup. I have a guy. I recommend getting one. Dan is my guy at Walgreens and he takes care of me. He took my problem order from one of the other girls behind the counter. I love it! This girl was ready to dig in and Dan yelled from across the room that he would work on it. Right On!

As I mentioned I was back at the pharmacy again today. As I didn't have enough of a couple medications. If you are looking at my last post you will notice I was just there. This happens quite a bit. I'm so grateful that Dan was working. Insurance didn't want to cover the costs for a couple of my medications. Enter my hero Dan. He volunteered to get everything taken care of so I would be covered through the end of my chemo Monday night. Every few minutes Dan would stop by to tell me he is still working with my insurance and found some clever alternatives. This took about 30 or so minutes. If only every sales person I met had these customer service skills. I think the world would be a better place.
While all of this was going on I was worrying about Cora. Cora has been cooped up in the house with me these last 7 months. I thought she might enjoy a ride in the car. For those of you who don't know Cora very well a quick explanation. This beloved family member used to go into work with Derek or me every day. She would be pet by a number of new people and would also get to ride in the car. She is also VERY food motivated. To say Cora is motivated by food is an understatement. On my 2nd trip to the pharmacy this week I took a chance and stopped by the grocery before I picked up my medications. I left Cora in the car with a bag of freshly purchased butter. Referencing the earlier note this was a serious roll of the dice on my part. Probably not one of my better choices.
It turns out I didn't need to worry at all. Cora was a good dog and didn't eat the butter and I got all of my medications from Dan. It has been a good Friday.

Oct 16th

Wow. So yesterday was good news. Other good news that I forgot to share is that Derek and I were told I probably will only need to take 1 years worth of chemo. I am so grateful. That stuff will make your stomach roll and not in a good way. I will say that all of that good news gave me false energy for today. I've already tried to do to much and I'm tired. Once my nap is done I'll be ready for everything else coming at me.

I needed to stop by the pharmacy today to have this months worth of chemo filled. I was caught off guard when the pharmacist team all wanted to know how I was doing. Apparently I have them all fooled into thinking I am a nice person. When I asked them how they new who I was they told me it was my hat. I'm guessing this will mean I no longer need to provide my birthday or address when picking up prescriptions. Yikes! To bad there isn't a frequent shopper program at Walgreens. Derek and I would be set for Halloween candy.

I'm going to be o.k.

Oct 15th

I feel like I received good news today.

My MRI results came back favorable. Fred is dying. The doctors do not know enough about how and why tumors develop in the brain and this means that the tumor can grow back. I still need to take my chemo for a full year. Tomorrow I start round 4. Maybe in 5 more years there will be more information and we'll find a cure. I don't have any bad news to report. I will be looking for a physical therapist to help me build my endurance. If you have a suggestion for someone in the Boulder area let me know.

Oct 14th

Less than one day before I get my 2nd MRI. I am very excited to hear some positive results.

Some of the things that have happened since my last MRI.

• I've gained back 8 lbs. This isn't what I wanted to do as this will likely mean I'll have an increased dose of chemo to take this week. That and I really liked being able to say I weighed 132 lbs and wore skinny lady cloths.
• I am being contacted by Metlife, my insurance company paying the disability checks, to see if I can go back to work. Seriously? Really? I want to tell them "I'm not faking. I'm not trying to stay sick." Why on earth would anyone volunteer to sit at home with something like this. Sorry. Not bitter. Just annoyed.
• I've watched the seasons change from spring to summer and fall. It has been wonderful having the opportunity to enjoy the beauty of it all.

Keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow. Hopefully my chemo won't be increased much. I will update my blog tomorrow with my results.

Oct 8th

Today I had to get my blood drawn. While I was waiting for my turn the receptionist called me up front to ask me if I remembered who was in line after me. Being unaware that I would be responsible for this type of information I was not able to answer her. It would have been helpful if she had told me I would have a pop quiz when I checked in. This is where I should have used my handy "quart low" comment, but didn't. The rest of this day has been full of naps, a headache, and fatigue. I don't understand it. It's beautiful outside. I should have all the energy of a well rested woman in her 30's. I thought all of the blah days were behind me. I was mistaken.

Oct 5th

One of my good friends from Spain asked me if my doctors had told me to stop using my cell phone. This is an excellent question. I was asked this many times about 6 months ago. The radiation oncologist said there was no conclusive evidence that cell phone use promotes brain tumors. This being said I'm sure there are studies being done about cell phones and tumors. I listen to my phone on my left ear and Fred was found in my right frontal lobe. I'm not sure what that means if it means anything.

On a lighter note. I had my first half glass of red wine and enjoyed it, until I started eating some ice cream. It didn't taste so great after that.

Oct 3rd

Today has been odd. I woke up with a lot of energy. I took my dog Cora for a walk and now I'm ready to take a nap. This is odd to me for one reason. I've done this before and I've gone on to accomplish many things during the day. Oh well, right? It is all part of the recovery process. Once I'm through this I'll appreciate exercise that much more.

The other odd item is that the water from our kitchen sink now tastes funny to me. I don't think this is supposed to happen. I think taste change is only supposed to happen during radiation. We all know that my radiation is completed. I don't get it. I'm not going to try and figure it out either. I'll ask the doctor about it during my next visit. BTW! My next MRI is coming up on the 15th. I'm hoping for more good news.

October 2nd 2008

I recently read something found in most Papyrus cards. It's about humming birds. A couple of lines hit home for me this morning. "... savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and celebrate the joy of everyday. " "... life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and laughter is life's sweetest creation." There is only so much embracing I can do here in the house. I need to get my endurance up to visit you all.

Sept 29

Yesterday I mentioned that I sometimes forget things. On Friday I forgot I had made an appointment with someone for acupuncture. Whoops! We rescheduled for today. After the appointment I felt so much better. The nausea was gone and I felt safe to drive home. I'm still a little skeptical. How is it that needles stuck into the skin can make a person feel better? I don't understand it. I do know that I'll be looking into my insurance to see if they can help cover some costs.

Sept 28

There are a few things that I still don't understand about cancer. One example would be why do I have Fred? Why is it that healthy cells decide they need to mutate into something abnormal and life threatening. It just doesn't make any sense. My silver lining in all of this is that I have an excuse for the rest of my life. "I'm a quart low" and then fill in the blank of whatever I either forgot or didn't do correctly. It drives Derek crazy. Love you honey.

Sept 26

Most of you already know that I was diagnosed with a brain tumor back in April 2008. Lucky for me it was in the (right frontal lobe) part of my noodle I apparently didn't use. The surgeon was able to remove a golf ball size amount. While I waited for the blank spot in my cranium to fill in I discovered the true meaning of brain farts. It was so weird. I was given quite a bit of vicadin, morphine, and perkaset. I do not like these drugs. They don't agree with me. The surgery went well and I quickly switched my pain medication over to Extra Strength Tylenol. As a side note I named my tumor "Fred". In future blogs I may refer to "Fred". Not to worry I haven't gone crazy. In naming this thing before I knew what it was helped me to deal with the unknown and my fear of what my future may be.

The first portion of my treatment plan involved 7 weeks of radiation and 42 days of chemo. It wasn't the highlight of my life. If there is a silver lining I am skinny ... Finally! I lost my hair in the area's I received radiation. I wear scarves and hats while I wait out the re-grow period. The portion of the treatment plan I'm currently in is chemo. I'll take it 5 days a month for 1 to 2 years. I've completed the first 3 months.

I'm still able to do all of the things I did before, but in much shorter intervals. I am allowed to drive. Like everything else I don't usually do things when I'm having a good day. I did not realize the enormity of the support I had. I have been overwhelmed by the love and support from family and friends. It changed my attitude from despair to hope.

My days now consist of recovery. Resting, and when needed, napping. When I'm not taking my chemo I feel like everyday gets better. I am entertained by my cat and dog most of the time. I would love to hear from you if you would like to call me. I will pick up the phone if I'm feeling well.

Live your days to the fullest!
All my best.